August

Well my story really starts at the end of July.  It was I don't know maybe July 30 and I knew that my mom was going to have surgery on August 1.  I had skipped out on going to her last doctor apt because I wanted to get to see Beth so she was angry with me.  I called and asked about all the particulars on her surgery and she said that she didn't want me to go.  I told her that I would be there and there was little she could do about it.  So the next morning she called me back and said I could go.  Well Aug. 1 I got up and picked her up and took her to the hospital and we were late cause I misjudged the time it took to drive the route that I had decided to take.  She was not very happy with me for that but she got over it when no one else seemed to care.  The surgery went well.  I spent the good part of the next three days at the hospital.  The doctor said that she would be staying a little longer.  I started to manage my time better because I didn't know how long I would need to be going back and forth.  Then one day she became much worse and they sent her to another room and the next morning they sent her to STL.  She was gone in two days.  I did not go to the hospital on the ninth because I wanted to stay home and be with my kids and the next morning she was dying.  I did not go.  I did not go... I did not go.  I wish I had gone.  I don't know if she would have known I was there because they had to keep her asleep for the respirator to work but I didn't go.  That is what I regret.  That is the only thing that I regret.  I loved her with all my heart all the time until the end but I did not go.  Mychelle told me to go but I did not... Why... I should have gone and spent one last hour with her. Just me and her.  I wish I would have listened to Mychelle.  She would have gone.  I left her alone and afraid so that I didn't have to drive.  I feel so very ashamed.  I am so sad that I missed out on that day.  I love her so much.  She was crazy but she was mine.  I was her baby bear.  She would have done anything for me and I thought I would have done anything for her but I did not go.  The last thing I did for her was to help the nurse lift her and make her more comfortable.  The last thing that she said to me was don't you understand I hurt and can't breath like this.  That was it.  I gave her a drink and she fell asleep.  I told her that I loved her and that I would see her in the morning.  Then I didn't go.  I didn't see her again until I told them to turn off the machines.  I told them to.  I did.  First I didn't go and then I told them to kill her.  My sister sat there and let me tell them to kill her.  She was going to die no matter what they did but I still was the one who had to make the decision.  I drove over there and said take them out.  How do you tell the doctors to kill you MOM.  That was Aug. 10.  The rest of the month was spent trying to figure out the mess that was left.  I can just now take a breath but that is followed by tears.... I didn't go and then I said take them out. I want to curl up and not move for a very long time.  I love her. I want her. I miss her. You do not understand she was everything I had my whole life.  She was the only outside tether in this crazy world.  I want her back but I would not wish that on an enemy.  She is with my Jesus.  She finished her race.  I am going to continue mine until it is my turn.  This is the hardest thing to do and understand.  I have to just continue to put one foot in front of the other.  Some days those steps just come and other days it is very incredibly hard.  It is now the second of Sept. and the days seem to be getting harder to get through.  I have very good friends that keep me in their prayers and have assured me that it gets easier.  I will stand on the promises that God has written.   I will continue to look to my children to give me reason to take the next step forward.  I love her and I will love her till I go see her again.