August

Well my story really starts at the end of July.  It was I don't know maybe July 30 and I knew that my mom was going to have surgery on August 1.  I had skipped out on going to her last doctor apt because I wanted to get to see Beth so she was angry with me.  I called and asked about all the particulars on her surgery and she said that she didn't want me to go.  I told her that I would be there and there was little she could do about it.  So the next morning she called me back and said I could go.  Well Aug. 1 I got up and picked her up and took her to the hospital and we were late cause I misjudged the time it took to drive the route that I had decided to take.  She was not very happy with me for that but she got over it when no one else seemed to care.  The surgery went well.  I spent the good part of the next three days at the hospital.  The doctor said that she would be staying a little longer.  I started to manage my time better because I didn't know how long I would need to be going back and forth.  Then one day she became much worse and they sent her to another room and the next morning they sent her to STL.  She was gone in two days.  I did not go to the hospital on the ninth because I wanted to stay home and be with my kids and the next morning she was dying.  I did not go.  I did not go... I did not go.  I wish I had gone.  I don't know if she would have known I was there because they had to keep her asleep for the respirator to work but I didn't go.  That is what I regret.  That is the only thing that I regret.  I loved her with all my heart all the time until the end but I did not go.  Mychelle told me to go but I did not... Why... I should have gone and spent one last hour with her. Just me and her.  I wish I would have listened to Mychelle.  She would have gone.  I left her alone and afraid so that I didn't have to drive.  I feel so very ashamed.  I am so sad that I missed out on that day.  I love her so much.  She was crazy but she was mine.  I was her baby bear.  She would have done anything for me and I thought I would have done anything for her but I did not go.  The last thing I did for her was to help the nurse lift her and make her more comfortable.  The last thing that she said to me was don't you understand I hurt and can't breath like this.  That was it.  I gave her a drink and she fell asleep.  I told her that I loved her and that I would see her in the morning.  Then I didn't go.  I didn't see her again until I told them to turn off the machines.  I told them to.  I did.  First I didn't go and then I told them to kill her.  My sister sat there and let me tell them to kill her.  She was going to die no matter what they did but I still was the one who had to make the decision.  I drove over there and said take them out.  How do you tell the doctors to kill you MOM.  That was Aug. 10.  The rest of the month was spent trying to figure out the mess that was left.  I can just now take a breath but that is followed by tears.... I didn't go and then I said take them out. I want to curl up and not move for a very long time.  I love her. I want her. I miss her. You do not understand she was everything I had my whole life.  She was the only outside tether in this crazy world.  I want her back but I would not wish that on an enemy.  She is with my Jesus.  She finished her race.  I am going to continue mine until it is my turn.  This is the hardest thing to do and understand.  I have to just continue to put one foot in front of the other.  Some days those steps just come and other days it is very incredibly hard.  It is now the second of Sept. and the days seem to be getting harder to get through.  I have very good friends that keep me in their prayers and have assured me that it gets easier.  I will stand on the promises that God has written.   I will continue to look to my children to give me reason to take the next step forward.  I love her and I will love her till I go see her again.

Mom

On August 1 my mom had surgery to remove a part of her intestines.  She did very well and came out of the surgery with no pain and wanting to walk.  She would go up and down in how she felt but mostly down.  She  struggled to breath and her heart struggled to beat.  In the end she lost the fight but is with Jesus and so she automatically wins the war.  I will miss her so very much.  I know that I will miss her more some days than others.  I have a no idea how I will get through the next few weeks but I do know where I will get the strength.  I will continue to take care of my mom with the same care that I did when she was alive.  When she was alive wow that is a strange thing to say.  That knot that has been in the pit of my stomach for the last day is not going away any time soon.  Oh Father you have to go in front of me because I can not bear to take the steps first.  I am all out of brave.  I am all out of brave.  I feel so weak.  Holy Spirit do this for me please because all I can do is cry. Father protect my babies from my weakness and use this somehow to make us all stronger.

When Pigs Fly

This last week a church that I love has been holding their VBS.  I always help because a family member is involved and she asks me to.  This year part of the theme was something about pigs flying and so one of the leaders told the kids that if they brought in $600.00 he would kiss a real pig.  One of my best friends was then given the task of getting a baby pig to be kissed.  So like an amazing friend that I am I offered to go with her to get this pig.  We were to go to a man's house when he was not home.  Go to the pig barn and find the small red sow that had seven little white piglets.  She was a gentle sow so there was no worries.  Let me tell you when someone says that the sow is small they mean that it is only as big as a love seat not as big as an entire couch.  I guess that I have never been up close and personal with a full grown pig.  They are big and I did not like the idea of taking a baby away from something that could kill me by sitting on me.  Also the babies that were only like 4 weeks old were larger than my mother in law's fat jack rustle.  The little pig was somewhat cute and after it was all cleaned up I even was happy to look at it.  I will not be doing that again any time soon.  Other that that and the baby that I was taking care of who cried for at least an hour and half each of the 5 nights VBS was a hit.  My littlest girl had the best time and got her name called for winning the best toy.... What a great week.

What To Do About My FAT BUTT

It is official I am tooooo fat.  I took my 5 children one of which is my husband to a semi local amusement park last week.  When I went 11 years ago I went with just 2 children (also including my husband).  In those 11 years most of the things in my life have grown.  I knew that also included my rear end I just didn't realize how much.  When I got on my favorite ride I almost didn't fit.  Oh no I was one of the really fat people.  Really how did this happen and I not see how bad it had gotten.  So what should I do about it.  I have to do something.

I am at a loss.  It is like starting to clean a house that is beyond dirty.  I am embarrassed, sad, and disgusted with how I have let my body go.  I have lost three children, had four children, and one hysterectomy.  The fat has piled on all along but it was not until after the hysterectomy that it has gotten out of control.  I have been told that life and your body is not normal for a year after a surgery like that but I am ready now.

This is what I have decided.  I am going to get under control.  I have been very lenient with everything in my life starting when  the last pregnancy was so hard on me.  It is over.  I am going to write out my struggles, accomplishments, desires and goals right here.  I will not be able to get under control without expressing how I feel.  I am hoping it will help.  I have always let the things that I need and want take back burner to what my kids (including my husband) need and want.  This is for me.  This blog is what I am starting with.  I listen endlessly to what everyone else feels, likes, wants and dreams.  I do not have a me to tell my feels, likes, wants, and dreams to until now.  I do not know if anyone will ever find me and read this but at least I am getting it out there.

So here is my first goal for my physical body... Push away from the table.  I have found a relationship with good food.  I will continue this but with less bites.  I do not have to let my love for food make me fatter. I am going to drink less soda and more water.  I love water so I am not sure why I don't drink it more.

My first goal for the rest of me is to give myself the right to write.  This takes time and I am struggling with not doing dishes or something right now.  I have to give me a higher number on the priority list.  I will not be selfish or self centered. That is not who I am and would cause more stress.  I love my family but if I do not keep my body and mind healthy how am I going to take care of them for the long term.

I will close this post excited for the future. Hard work has never scared me so I am ready to dig in and get this going.  What will the road of life bring to me today?  I don't know but I am ready to take it all in and love living.